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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Subject:Did I write this?
Posted by:tawdryjones.
Time:2:47 pm.
I found this buried in my email account. I wrote this two years ago, I think.

Tell me what is finer
than sitting in a diner
eating cherry pie
drinking cream and coffee
toe-tapping Doc Martens
beneath Formica and used gum stalactites
discussing existentialism
and the Kafkaesque life you lead
as an artist plagued by doubt and fear
sardonically proud you never wanted
to be a doctor or a lawyer
judging yourself best
in comparison to cell-phone users
trying to figure out how to talk intelligently with someone who believes in
god
who is trying to figure out how to talk intelligently with someone who
believes in evolution
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, December 21st, 2003

Subject:Dedicated Amateurs
Posted by:tawdryjones.
Time:9:45 am.
I've been confined to the apartment this weekend due to some fierce collywobbles. Being forced to stop moving makes you notice more keenly the things you've been avoiding. A conflagration of events; watching Cronenberg's "Spider," reading a recent post of saltdog's, among other nuances and neuroses, led me to my journals. And specifically, to the two wrapped shoe boxes where I've stored all my old writing. Writing that goes back to high school and maybe even earlier, culled over the years, surely, to retain only the gems.

I went through these boxes, through the myriad journals, notepads, scribblings, jetsam and flotsam. I will admit that I avoided the half-completed novel: that is something else. Three years of co-writing; that WILL go on. No, last night was about my fiction, about reading my stuff and realizing, it's not all that good. I do not doubt that I have talent in me; I saw flashes of brilliance in there.

What I came away with, ultimately, was that it was time for me to get rid of all that old writing. In one way, it was holding me back. I had all this good stuff, I used to think! All this good stuff to incorporate into something new...one day. All these old stories to finish! But I'm a new person these days and those stories are either boring or reveal a self-indulgence that ranges from silly to embarrassing.

I feel that I'm ready now for NaNoWriMo, almost two months too late. I'm ready to start a new story, write it out completely, and fucking finish it. I know it'll be good. I guess I'll sit down and write after this last minute shopping. After lunch with friends. After the Eagles game....heh heh.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 15th, 2003

Posted by:ramso.
Time:1:54 pm.
Okay, here's a sketch that I wrote. I would appreciate it if you would tell me what works (if you can find anything.) and what does not. Now, I command you! Read!
Please.Collapse )
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, July 14th, 2003

Subject:*the end*
Posted by:rjwhite.
Time:9:59 pm.
Last Lines of Books That I Have WrittenCollapse )
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, July 11th, 2003

Subject:joke
Posted by:shekb.
Time:10:43 am.
Visual joke, suitable for framing in someone's living room.

It's a mockup of the New York Times front page, MUST LOOK REAL to the casual observer, for June 29, 2003.

Banner headline, HUGE font: "BUDDY HACKETT DEAD"

Subhead, "Beloved Actor and Comedian of Stage and Screen Succumbs"

The usual text BS...

Two enormous full-color pictures of Buddy.

Second lead, a front page editorial by George F. Will or some other ultra-famous commentator: "The Best We Ever Had"

Lower on the page, the five-day forecast box.

And, in the far lower right hand corner, a tiny box, headline, "Also Dead"

Text: "K. Hepburn, tired mediocrity, kicks it--SEE "HAS BEEN," F12
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note
Posted by:pirateman.
Time:10:20 am.
Gimmie your thoughts on this, if you would...

Read more...Collapse )
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, July 10th, 2003

Subject:Comedian
Posted by:stephenl.
Time:10:50 am.
Those of you interested in comedy, rent the movie "Comedian" (it's a documentary).
It is fascinating and great.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, June 19th, 2003

Subject:*quiz bowl*
Posted by:rjwhite.
Time:8:10 pm.
I found this on my hard drive. Had forgotten I'd written it.

ryznar will love this shit, it's got some of them nerd-types in itCollapse )
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 7th, 2003

Subject:*7, not 8, jokes about haircuts*
Posted by:rjwhite.
Time:9:08 am.
I deleted yesterday's joke post, because I thought noone was going to do it. As long as you're in, Mr. Baker, I shall delete no longer.

- I never know what to talk about with my barber when I'm getting a haircut, so I bring up his wife's recent death from cancer right away and that usually shuts him up.

- My barber has one of those old-fashioned shops, where they still have Playboy for the guys to read. Also, bloodletting.

- One of my favorite parts of getting a haircut was always the hot lather shave my barber would give me on the back of the neck. I found out years later he never had a hot lather machine.

- People are very particular about their personal space. For example - My uncle was thrown in prison just for cutting someone's hair without asking. By "cutting someone's hair," I mean "stabbing someone in the back of the neck with a pair of scissors."

- I don't like paying someone fifty bucks to cut my hair, so I have an arrangement with my cousin. She cuts my hair and in lieu of payment, she gets to eat everything that falls on the floor.

- I almost went to barber school, but I thought I'd get a job with a little more dignity. So, now I remove rotted teeth from the mouths of junkies. Pays about the same.

- Be sure you know what you want before you go to get a haircut. One time, the barber asked me what I wanted done and I couldn't decide. So, I just told him to give me whatever the guy next to me was having done. Unfortunately, it was the corpse of Telly Savalas.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2003

Subject:8 haircut jokes
Posted by:shekb.
Time:2:30 pm.
RJ loves to delete posts.

1. Did you hear about the prostitute who became a barber? She doesn't do fancy haircuts, but I hear she gives excellent 'trim.' Also, she shows off her 'vagina.'

2. I walked into the barbershop the other day, and he told me a haircut costs twenty dollars. Twenty bucks! Look, I can cut my own hair for free, then spend the 20 bucks I saved on the hat I'm going to have to wear for the next three months.

3. My wife asks me, "why do you keep going to have your haircut if you don't have any hair?" So I ask her, "How come you keep making beauty appointments?"

4. My girlfriend's really into that band N'Sync, so I went to the barber and told him to make me look like Justin Timberlake. So he gave me a pair of bloody underpants and jerked off into my face.

5. If people don't stop telling me to go get a haircut all the time, I swear to God I'm going to give one of them a face cut.

6. It's been said that a fresh haircut makes you feel like a million bucks. In my case, given to a drug dealer by a pimp in exchange for a suitcase full of crank.

7. My girlfriend said I'm not getting any more sex until I shave my back. I told her I'd shave my back if she shaved her pussy first. So now I'm fucking a bald cat.

8. I wanted to learn about this punk music stuff, so I found some punks and asked them to teach me about it. They said if I really wanted to learn about punk music, they'd have to give me a mohawk first. So I STILL don't know shit about punk music, and now I have to drag this goddamned Indian around with me all the time.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:100, sons-a-bitches
Posted by:shekb.
Time:11:36 am.
89. Prosecutors say that sniper suspect John Malvo's admissions to police that he killed at least two people last year contained bouts of laughter. To be fair, however, he was laughing while recounting the hilarious prat-fall laden death of local circus clown 'Bubs' Jellybean.

90. Saddam Hussein's family purportedly removed 1 billion dollars from an Iraqi bank last month. Apparently the billion was doled out in 100's, 50's, and ridiculously silly fantasy artwork.

91. Mega-chain Wal-Mart has stopped carrying men's magazines such as Maxim and FHM because of customer complaints about 'racy' content. So far, however, they have ignored my numerous complaints about their carrying certain other magazines' racing content.


92. An Israeli police officer was mistaken for a stripper yesterday by a rowdy bachelorette party. This case of mistaken identity should be nothing new to police, who routinely confuse a nutritious breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 dozen donuts.

93. William Bennett, the conservative 'values' guru and admitted gambling addict, has said that he is swearing off gambling forever. Unfortuantely he has no plans to give up writing cloyingly patronizing books telling people how he thinks they should act.

94. 100 Jacksonville doctors have walked off the job today to protest the Florida legislature's refusal to cap jury awards for malpractice suits. Several hundred patients staged their own simultaneous impromptu protest, described as a 'negligent death-in.'

95. A stray cat in England last week was willed a large house and 100,000 pounds by an animal lover. In related news, I'm willing anyone inspired to imitate this act 100,000 poundings from my fist.

96. A terrorism report by the US State Department critisizes Canada for being too concerned about protecting the civil liberties of its citizens. In related news, how does somebody go about getting a Candian greencard, anyways?

97. And our final score from the Ozarks:

Tornados 40, Rednecks 0

98. The first Democratic debate kicked off last week in South Carolina. Analysts agree that there was no clear winner, except for my eyes, who thanked me profusely for not watching it.

99. New Hampshire's beloved landmark, The Old Man in the Mountain, collapsed last week, transforming a bunch of rocks that sort of looked like a face into a bunch of rocks that look exactly like Marlon Brando's ass.

100. Apple's new on-line music service sold over a million songs in its first week of operation, stunning industry analysts. Some critics say that the number is overinflated; to quote one, "The five-hundred thousand times Aaron Bleayart downloaded 'I Touch Myself' shouldn't count."



This concludes Aaron's 100-in-113 joke challenge.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003

Subject:Contest
Posted by:pirateman.
Time:10:12 am.
You think you're funny?! . . . Wait. Fuck that!

YOU THINK YOU'RE DIRTY?!!!

Well, prove it, you filthy sons of bitches! At. . . .

THE DIRTIEST SKETCH IN NYC CONTEST , hosted by Jackie Clarke and Jon Daly!

The contest is all a part of UCB Theatre's UNDERGROUND COMEDY BARUCH .
An Underground invasion of Baruch College's Performing Arts Center.
Friday, April 25th to Sunday, May 4th.

Click on www.ucbtheatre.com for full Comedy series schedule information.

Contestants in THE DIRTIEST SKETCH IN NYC CONTEST are given a 3-minute time
limit to perform sketches as filthy, dirty, and crude as comically possible!

Rules:
1. It has to be dirty.
2. It has to be written.
3. It has to be less than 3 minutes.

The winner gets $123 and a 30-minute slot at the UCB Theatre.

How do you sign up? Send an email to owen@ucbt.net with the SUBJECT HEADING
reading, "Dirty." Any other subject heading will be disregarded and trashed.

Have the script on the email. No attachments. Your full name and name of
your group (if you have one) and email address.

We'll take the first 20 Dirty sketches delivered, so early birds, make that
shit dirty!
Late-comers, well, you should've written last night instead of jackin' it to

"Wild on Majorca," you dirty ducks! And that goes for the guys, too!

THE DIRTIEST SKETCH IN NYC CONTEST
Friday, May 2nd
8pm
Baruch Performing Arts Center
Rose Nagelberg Theatre
55 Lexington Ave (25th Street Entrance)
Reservations: 212-366-9176
Comments: Read 9 orAdd Your Own.

Posted by:rjwhite.
Time:9:42 am.
Writing Sketch Comedy That Sells

Does anyone else put this much thought into it? I mean, I sort of do, but I don't know. I just sort of think of something and write it.

Also, who actually "buys" sketches?
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 11th, 2003

Subject:88
Posted by:shekb.
Time:3:33 pm.
US troops have been issued a 52-card deck of playing cards featuring photos of the 'most-wanted' Iraqi leaders. Soldiers question, however, why the leaders were posed 'sexily' and naked. They did not 'most want' to see that.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 10th, 2003

Subject:87
Posted by:shekb.
Time:5:02 pm.
In September, the FOX Network will air yet another 2-hour special featuring Michael Jackson, this time concentrating on excerpts from his personal home movies. In competition, CBS is planning a much less disgusting 2-hour special, "Naked Fat Men Eat Each Other's Throw-Up."
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2003

Subject:86, right?
Posted by:shekb.
Time:5:43 pm.
Iraq's U.N. Ambassador today told the press, "The game is over." It is presumed he was referring to the Iraq war, but that does not fully explain his further comment, "You sunk my battleship!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

Subject:What is this now, 85?
Posted by:shekb.
Time:4:21 pm.
1. A US airstrike targeted the Baath Party headquarters today in Iraq. Next on the target list: Beeach Party!

2. American commanders reported today that their forces are moving 'at will,' and 'spending the night wherever they want to.' As usual, however, they chose to spend the night in YOUR MOM.

3. Asian scientists now think that the deadly, incurable SARS virus is spread by cockroaches. Avoiding the disease, therefore, is simple, because all you have to do is MOVE to the Goddamned MOON.

4. The last original copy of Beethoven's 9th Symphony sold today for 4.6 million dollars. The score contained handwritten notes and insults penned by the composer himself, including a mysterious one reading, "You dropped 4.6 million bucks on this piece of paper you FUCKING IDIOT."

5. Scientists have successfully cloned an endangered species of wild cattle, which means the price is FINALLY coming down on that delicious endangered species of wild veal cutlet.

6. Doctors are saying that a new drug used to treat epilepsy, along with a low-calorie diet, could result in significant weight loss. Also, doing a magical naked ballsack dance, along with 35 cents, could result in a payphone call.

7. A layman who had been posing as a priest for several months was finally discovered to be an impostor today. Real clergymen became suspicious when they noticed the man swearing, blaspheming, and removing the complimentary young boy from his penis.

8. Government agencies are seeking funds to bolster their 'cyber defenses' from 'cyber terror.' The Bush administration has promised a billiojagillion dollars of 'cyber money.'

9. Coalition forces battled the Republican Guard in Baghdad during fierce fighting today, and appear closer to victory, after which America can come back home and resume its battle against the Republican 'Tards in Congress.

10. 'Hollywood Madame' Heidi Fleiss reportedly finished her probation this week, once again giving America the unique chance not give a shit about her.

11. California passed a law today that forbids digging for gold near a sacred Indian site. However, people can still play the "Dig For Gold" slot machines at the nearby Indian Casino as much as they want.

12. Scientists have created a drug that they say could protect against the effects of a radioactive bomb explosion. Those taking it are strongly compelled to run and hide in the nearest lead bunker.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, March 27th, 2003

Subject:73 - good job catching up, p-man
Posted by:shekb.
Time:4:20 pm.
Hundreds of anti-war protestors staged a 'die-in' today in midtown Manhattan, lying down on 5th avenue and blocking two lanes of traffic. Reportedly, NYC cab drivers were planning to stage a "run those damn hippies over-in" at the same location.
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:73, in my mouth you will pee
Posted by:pirateman.
Time:10:29 am.
Last night a meteorite landed in a Chicago neighborhood, causing minor damage to several houses. Local residents were relieved to discover that the falling star was none other than washed up actor/comedian Mike Myers, who can currently be seen in the new movie "View from the top".
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2003

Subject:All Caught Up
Posted by:pirateman.
Time:10:07 pm.
58.) Pop diva Celine Dion recently took the stage in Las Vegas, starting a three year run that will include performances 5 nights a week 40 weeks a year until 2006. The Bush Administration has given her 48 hours to leave before they start bombing.

59.) For a contest sponsored by the Aerospace Industries Association, several high school students built a rocket that reached the height of 1,500 feet while towing two raw-eggs and then parachuted the eggs back to earth unbroken. "It's not as easy as it looks" said one NASA official.

60.) Madonna will reportedly release a new music video that will protest the US war in Iraq. Ironically, it will add one more horrible bomb to America's arsenal..

61.) A Pennsylvania lawmaker wants to rename a bridge in Pittsburgh "The Fred Rodgers Memorial Bridge", after the late children's show host.... So children who grew up watching Mister Rodger's Neighborhood can kill themselves by jumping off his bridge. OR Legislation is still pending on "Snuffaluffigus Memorial Hospital"

62.) A Southwest Florida community hospital says it will no longer deliver babies. It will, however, still offer babies for takout or eating in.

63.) A man was arrested in Florida after sending a minor naked pictures of himself, then showing up at her house with two condoms and a lint brush. The man has been charged with imitating shekb.

64.) The TIVO company has reported that the most paused moment of the Oscars was Julia Roberts' entrance, while the most replayed segment was Michael Moore's acceptance speech. Also, TIVO reports that your roommate secretly gets a boner every time they show Denzel Washington.

65.) According to an Austrailian newspaper, much of the country's electricity may soon come from pig poop. In a related story, American scientists are looking into getting power from Bush's foreign policy.

66.) A Boston high school teacher has been suspended after he allegedly brought a dead coyote to school earlier this month and skinned it in front of his students. It was part of a class entitled "How to scare the fuck out of your students".

67.) Seattle police are wondering how thieves managed walk off wearing 300 pairs of women's undergarmets while the store was open. I'll tell you how: Practice, practice, practice. I'm practicing right now.

68.) According to reports, a brawl between two male exotic dancers ended in tragedy after one of them hit the other one with his car. Said one official, "this is why cockfights are illegal".

69.) Last week Federal investigators discovered that the Energy Department sold 23 trucks for 17 cents and a $9,000 copier for a nickel, among other things. The Energy Department explained that it was all stuff that The Justice Department had left at their place before they broke up.

70.) A Wisconson man recently passed a milestone after ingesting his 19000th Big Mac. Shortly thereafter, he passed another milestone into the toilet

71.) In a recent Rolling Stone interview, Lisa Marie Pressly admits to having sex with Michael Jackson "for a while" during their marriage... In a related story, I can no longer acheive an erection.

72.) Critics of the female teenage pop duo "Tatu" say that the girls' music is only popular because the two are lesbians and make out in their videos. In their defense, one fan said "They make music?".
Comments: Add Your Own.

LiveJournal for jokes.

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